“Well Doc, it’s like this: I say that I support people no matter what they do, no matter their education, socioeconomic class, position. I have complete respect for anyone that I meet because I know that people within the bounds of their genetics and opportunities have made the choices that make the most sense for themselves and who am I to judge what is best for them because I have not lived their life and why wouldn’t they choose the best strategy for themselves by default?” I said, matter-of-factly.
“So what’s the problem?” the Doc looked at his notepad and decided to jot something down.
“Well, as soon as anyone else judges me, my profession, my income level, my education, my anything, especially if they don’t know anything about me—as soon as they show that they do not give me the same level of respect and understanding, then I start to look down on them. I keep these weapons, subconsciously, of their flaws, and as soon as they disrespect me, I make them feel very small. I start to wonder why they are ugly, or stupid, or make less money than me when they are almost twice my age, and I start to wrap myself around this idea and then I crush them and their self-esteem, and afterwards, I feel terrible for doing so and wonder what prompted it.” Well, he’s a stranger, so I can tell him anything because well, he doesn’t even know what it means to be Asian, nor does he care who I am in the community, so I am completely safe, or that’s how I think anyway.
“So you’re at the point where you wish people would give you the same level of respect that you give them, and when they don’t, that makes you snap. So we need to make you feel as accomplished on the outside as you are in that fragile place on the inside, that does not feel as accomplished.”
Pretty good, Doc. Pretty, good. But do you know that I am judging your credentials, your no-name university training, even though you have 20 years of experience. Do you know that I am judging you by your prices, that how could you charge the same as I do when you have a doctorate. Do you know that I am judging your small office, and the fact that you said on Maslow’s hierarchy that I am only looking for ‘booty’ when in fact, I do not see human beings in such a degrading way nor have I ever used a term like that in my entire life? “Well, what happens is that I say that I am open to people and their experiences, on the surface, but some times when other human beings disappoint me, or act insecure to prop themselves up, this elitist comes out and thinks, ‘You’re so dumb.’ or ‘You are nobody and your job is pointless and pays nothing’ and ‘My friends are so much smarter, better-looking, and kinder than you.’ Then, whereas I had pretended to be dumb and broke before, I reveal myself and make them feel very stupid, to let them know how they small they are to me.”
“And as much as I say that I don’t believe in that stuff, every time I get fed up with people, I start to believe in elitism and I think, ‘What am I afraid of? My own greatness? Why not just burn all the bridges with all the people who are not good-looking, intelligent, or rich, since they would do the same so easily to me given the chance?’ But I know that puts me on the same level as them, and the elitist in me never wants to be on the same level as what I call ‘detritus.’ Pretty angry huh?”
“Well,” he said, “We have to get to a place where we figure out why you give power to these people over you, willingly, and why you let them affect you so strongly. You are so open to experience, and have come so far on your own, and you look at other people and wonder, ‘why have they not come as far?’ but they aren’t you. You are a strange case because I have other people in here that are raging and low-functioning, but you are insightful of your own condition, open to change, seemingly humble, dressed with a good sense of style—an Ivy Leaguer with an edge, man. You’re an interesting guy.”
“Yes, keep praising me,” I think. But what happens when that unconditional positive regard stops? Will I turn on you, too?
