Artificial Intelligence

Dear E______N,

Yo. Just wanted to clear up what I never had the guts to say. Plus it would be stupid and self-absorbed to call you now after what I have done, just to share what I had gone through at the time, disrupting your life for no reason other than to tell you of course that I still have no feelings for you. It would just confirm to you what a douche I am.

You said that I used you. You implied that I think that I’m out of your league and therefore could treat you however I pleased. You had heard that I just went through girls, and now you verified it to be true.

I don’t know how to respond to those claims, because those were your feelings, and though I can empathize with them using a combination of logic, intuition, and experience, I don’t view things that way because I could never be you and see how you see it. But if I have learned one thing this year, it’s that feelings exist as is, without further justification, and why does it get to be in its own realm of logic anyway? But it is. Anyway.

I do believe that you felt that way, and also I believe that how you saw it is not what happened in my head. Instead, in the brief moment that we had met in time, you brought out a dormant part of me that hadn’t resolved deep hurt and anger. I knew that issue took priority one, yeah, me, and I couldn’t string you along on that ride or else then I, too, would completely agree that I was using you. Ignorant callousness I am always guilty of, but I had to stop once I knew that I would be willfully inflicting suffering.

So my reaction was to stop calling and picking up your calls. And then when I did pick up finally, weeks later, I mumbled out some excuse like I just needed some time to sort things out, instead of manning up and saying the cold hard truth, that I have no feelings for you and never would. And then I hung out with your friends to the exclusion of you. So yes, in many ways, well actually, now upon writing it out, that is pretty douchey behavior and I can’t make any excuses.

You know, I assumed the wrong things about you too. I assumed that it didn’t really matter to you, because I didn’t love you. So to hear from one of your closest friends that I had really hurt you, that you were somewhat waiting for me, put me real to shame. Because then my mind went yadda yadda yadda and backwards and then forwards again—anyway, I realized what I had done. My point is, if I had at least had the guts to share my experience with you and explain where I was coming from, in the midst of all the screaming, I could have lessened the senseless cruelty of it all.

But, uh…you weren’t a mistake, a waste of time, something to be used and discarded. No, I don’t believe in leagues nor did I date multiple girls and keep you on the backburner. We met each other as intended, to fulfill some sort of cosmic contract, which picked us up like stardust and shot us hurtling on our way, to places we both needed to go. You accepted me as normal, unique, and desirable, which I had long forgotten was possible for someone like me. You inadvertently put me in touch with a heartbreak the depths of which I could not understand, which forced me out of codependency. No, I did not “replace” you with someone else—I don’t believe that people are interchangeable. Afterwards, I spent much time thinking and growing and just being okay with myself by myself, as a result of how I had hurt you, because I never wanted to do that to someone’s feelings again as a result of my own glaring inadequacies. So no, not pointless, and not a mistake. You are a valuable person and the experience was invaluable, most certainly.

I think that you are happy now and I am glad to see it. From time to time, I still listen to the CD’s you made for me, and although I am thinking about someone else when I listen to the lyrics in the emo pop—especially those songs from that Sassy Girl movie—I am still grateful that you made these for me and the role that you have played in my existence.

I’ll have you know that after you, karma forever imprinted a harsh lesson upon me. I would shake my fist at the cosmos if I knew in which direction its quintessence lies. You know what, I’m just gonna do it in a general direction and have that symbolize my objection to its methods. But yeah, I’m sorry, and all that jazz.